Observations on the Vacuum Cleaner

Someone once said that nature abhors a vacuum.

Well, I have something in common with nature. I can't stand my vacuum, either. That is, I can't stand my vacuum cleaner. This may have something to do with the fact that it's male.

It's not that I'm anti-male, really. But what with my husband and three sons, not to mention my (male) German shepherd, my daughter and I are are already outnumbered. The last thing we need is a male vacuum cleaner, too.

You may not have realized that household appliances have genders, but they do. This particularly applies to vacuum cleaners.

Male vacuum cleaners are sleek and shiny, with lots of chrome. They usually have wheels on the bottom, but these are purely for decoration. The typical male vacuum cleaner is top heavy and falls over when being dragged from room to room or around corners. This is because men are stronger than women, and really don't care whether the vacuum cleaner rolls smoothly or has to be lugged from room to room on its side. After all, they've used to clubbing a moose and dragging it back to the cave, right? After that, a mere 50 pound vacuum cleaner is a piece of cake.

Yes, male vacuum cleaners are heavier, and supposedly sturdier than the female variety. They are sold door-to-door, and never in a discount store. They usually have a sticker price similar to a compact car, and like a car, they have endless options which can be added on. That's because men love gadgets. Male vacuum cleaner salesmen are usually male themselves, and they insist on "the man of the house" being present at the demonstration. Supposedly; this is because the man makes the major buying decisions; but in reality, it's because the salesman knows he can impress they guy with the rug shampoo/floor sander/Cuisinart option.

And then there's the lifetime moneyback guarantee. This sucks men in like a black hole. To a man, a lifetime guarantee says security. It says, I love you enough to buy you the best.

To a woman, where a male vacuum cleaner is concerned, that lifetime guarantee says: LIFE SENTENCE WITHOUT PAROLE.

I haven't said much about the female of the species. Well, it is usually lightweight, efficient, quiet, and can be purchased at any discount store for under $300.00. Invariably, the man will think it looks "cheap" and wonder aloud if it is powerful enough to do the job.

"Geez, it doesn't even have a paint removing attachment!"

But set a male vacuum cleaner in front of the man you love, and he'll get a gleam in his eye similar to the one he gets when he sees a new Corvette. ("Look, honey, real Corinthian leather seats!")

So ladies, if necessary, give in gracefully. Let your husband purchase a male vacuum cleaner and drag it out to his workshop to gather dust (literally). Then bop over to Wal-Mart and get yourself a female. Who knows? Maybe you can breed them, and have little dust busters running all over the house cleaning up your toddler's cookie crumbs.

Well, I can dream, can't I?